Forget You

I seriously hate you and your BS. You're not the same person who we all used to love. You're becoming someone who no one WANTS to love. It's just sad. To see that someone who I used to look up to, who inspired me to do music, who had a big heart in missions, is now having an affair. This isn't just some girlfriend that you can just play around with. This is your fucking wife we're talking about. Who gave you four kids. You won't consider your family with this stupid decision that you're making?! Once we're gone, who are you going to turn to for family? That fucking slut?! Let's be real, you have no other family. Your own niece and nephew don't talk to you anymore. Oh yeah, you've really made a good decision. No matter how much we say what we feel, no matter how much scripture we throw at you, no matter how much times we say it's sin, you still just don't give a damn. You say, "This is God orchestrating our lives." Bullshit. This is your own stubbornness that created all this shit to happen in our lives. Not God. God wouldn't make you cheat on your wife and file a divorce. Honestly.. OPEN YOUR EYES. I swear, you're just so fucking hard-headed you just want to do what you want. Well you know what? God will seriously handle you. If you don't want to change then fine. Bahala ka sa buhay mo. I'm done with you.

Just Friends

"Here you are

You turned my sadness into light

Now my darkness seems so bright

Cause you mean everything to me, baby

Who would've known

That from all the boys that I can see

You're the one who's meant for me

Cause you mean everything to me, baby

Cause it's you, you, you and me"

 - You & Me, Written by Diane Lim  

I wrote that song awhile back in early September, but never showed it to you.. yet. It's not finished yet.. It's still a working progress. I wrote it a week after that moment in August. But things have gotten different now. I don't know why I can't be straight up with you? Why can't I tell you how I really feel? How come I can't talk normally with you being there? It's like I'm always nervous, but in the butterflies type of way. If only you still knew how I felt.. Maybe things would be different? I don't know. It's crazy how as of right now, YOU'RE JUST RIGHT THERE. I don't get how I've liked you for so long, but it's only 'til now that it's actually hitting me on how much I like you. In August, when we had our talk, I thought it was just a little crush thing.. I guess not anymore. Asdjflk. I know that we've decided to just stay as friends, but I don't know anymore.. I don't. I wished we were like how we used to be. Like when we were real best friends. Always having deep talks, random talks, always laughing, sharing good company - just always having good times. You always being there for me, and me doing the same. I miss those days. Ever since August, I feel like when we said what we said, it sort of changed US.. just a little.. just a lot. But, being best friends since forever, knowing each other since birth and our families being really close.. That's gotta mean something, right? I guess I'm trying to say... Akin ka na lang.

Sweet Dream .

It's crazy how dreams feel so surreal. How it can relate to whatever you're going through. Last night, I had a dream that my best friend and I were making a kite together. In the dream, we have been making this kite for the longest time. Finally, when this kite was ready, we took it out to fly it. We were having fun and laughing. That moment was the happiest I've even been in my life - just finally spending time with my best friend. All of a sudden, the wind got stronger. It had gotten so strong that we were struggling to hold onto it. Then she said these exact words, "I can't hold on forever". Hurt and confused, I wondered how she can give up our "kite". She slowly let go of the kite, and I was by myself trying to save it.

When She Loved Me

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy, so was I, when she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by, I stayed the same
And she began to drift away, I was left alone
Still I waited for the day, when she’d say "I will always love you."

Lonely and forgotten, never thought she’d look my way,
She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do,
Like she loved me, when she loved me

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
When she loved me.

..Story of my life..

Pasko Na, Sinta Ko

It's that time of the year again.. Christmas time. Something's different this year. I don't feel the Christmas spirit. I really haven't been in the Christmas spirit for the past two years. Last year, it was because my family and I were in the Philippines.  This year, it's because my Dad's in the Philippines. Something about the Philippines, I guess.. Since my Dad's going to be in the Philippines this Christmas, this also means that he's not going to be here for my birthday - a week after Christmas. This Christmas won't be the same. First Christmas.. First holiday.. First New Years.. First birthday.. Without the whole family.

I don't know... I know the true reason for Christmas - Jesus' birth. It shouldn't be about me and my happiness, right? My main focus should be on CHRIST.. Not me. But it's hard. For months now, my relationship with God has been drifting. As being a Christian since birth and being raised up in a church, it's easier for me to fall than someone who just found Christ, in my opinion. I know that this is the main reason on why I've been feeling depressed lately. Problems come, constantly, and it feels like I'm trying to get through it alone - on my own strength. It shouldn't be that way. I know that HE will always be there for me, but before I go to him, I feel like I need to get my heart straight first. I know, sooner or later, I'll go back to him.. But I don't feel like the right time is now.

Christmas was my favorite time of the year. But drifting away from Christ, not having my Dad here, and constantly having someone in my mind.. It's hard to have the Christmas spirit. Hopefully next Christmas will be a better one for me.

Pasko na, sinta ko

Hanap-hanap kita

Bakit magtatampo

Nilisan ako

Kung mawawala ka

Sa piling ko, sinta

Paano ang Pasko

Inulila mo

Sayang sinta ang sinumpaan

At patitinginang tunay

Nais mo bang kalimutang ganap

Ang ating suyuan at galak

Kung mawawala ka

Sa piling ko, sinta

Paano ang Pasko

Alay ko sa'yo

If I Were A Painter

If I were a painter

I would paint my reverie

If that's the only way for you to be with me

We'd be there together

Just like we used to be

Underneath the swirling skies for all to see

And I'm dreaming of a place

Where I can see your face

And I think my brush would take me there

But only

If I were a painter

And could paint a memory

I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you

I'd climb inside the skies to be with you.

Temporary

Since people have been telling me to stop posting crap on facebook.. Time to start blogging.




It's been four months.. Four months of not being myself. Four months of trying to hide what I'm really feeling inside. It's been four months of trying to go through this rough transition.. alone. To me, it feels like everything has just been going wrong.


I found out about three months ago that my Dad is going to live in the Philippines.. Permanently. See, my Dad has been traveling back and forth from LA to Manila for the past three years. I was okay with that because he would at least be with the rest of the family and me for about a month at a time then go back to Manila to work. One night, when my siblings and I picked up our mom at the airport, we went out for dinner and she broke the news to us that he's not going to live with us here. So now, it'd be her that's going to be traveling back and forth from LA to Manila. I remember that night when she told us.. I remember going to straight to my bed - crying. It's crazy.. Coming from a life where I've always lived with both my parents to now having a parent living thousands of miles away from you. See, my Dad and I shared something really special. If you know who I am, you'd know that I eat, sleep, and breathe music. I am proud to say that I get that from my Dad. To me, he's the best musician I know. It's a good feeling whenever we would jam together. It's fun when I play with other people, but it doesn't give me that same feeling as to when I'm playing with my Dad. Music is something that brings us closer. He's my inspiration to music.. He's always been.


Ever since I got back from the Philippines in August, I feel like my relationship with my best friends have been fading. Even though my best friend since third grade lives like five minutes away from me we haven't seen each other or hung out with each other in a long time. Last time we hung out was two months ago. Oh well, I know she's that one best friend that I'll always have. Even if we haven't talked to each other in a while, we still have that title as being best friends/cousins. I just wished we talked and saw each other more often.


I'm going to try to keep this anonymous so.. How come you've been giving me attitude lately? We've been best friends for three years. Not ONCE have you acted like this to me. Yes, I can't make it to your shows and I'm sorry for that. But you have to understand that I can't get away from doing just so that I can see your show. Like family events. You don't have to give me attitude every time I can't go. I don't give you attitude whenever you don't show up to my gigs. At least I say that I can't go to your thing BEFORE it starts. You just tell me that you'll try to be there. So, I wait.. Then end up getting disappointed cause you don't show up. Don't you think I should be the one giving attitude? Not the other way around? Hah, maybe I should.. But you know what? I don't. Cause I love you too much. I know it'll hurt our relationship even more.. We don't need anymore crap.


Excluding two days ago, we haven't seen each other or talked to each other in forever. I miss how we used to be. We used to call each other everyday after school to see how our days were. We used to tell each other everything. What happened to that? I miss you. I miss us. Why do you have to live in Long Beach? Why can't you drive? Why do you have to go to a different church? How come we can't see each other as much as we want to? Asdjfkl. You dedicated "Come What May" by The Scene Aesthetic to me like two years ago. When I brought it up during summer, you told me you forgot about the whole thing. WhatASlapInMyFreakinFace. Thanks, Bestfriend.


Then there's YOU. Time flies so fast. It's only been 7 months that we started getting close. I feel like I've known you my whole life already. You know everything there is to know about me. No one knows as much as you do. Seven months.. Three months of my happiness. Four months of .. It's funny how I used to put so much effort before. It got me nowhere. It caused us to fight, like every time we'd talk. I'm sorry. I love spending time with you, but that rarely happens nowadays. We used to talk on the phone every night. Every night of summer. Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer. Do you know you're unlike any other? You'll always be my thunder. And I said. Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors. I don't wanna ever love another. You'll always be my thunder. I wish you can see what I've been going through. I haven't told you everything on why I've been feeling like this. I don't know how to tell you. So I've been trying to hide it from you. I want to relive summer. But life goes on.. I really miss how we used to be. Before August hit. At least you got something there for you. I've got nothing. Hah. Well, even though this means I'm sad inside, I'm truly happy that you're happy. Not like the person I used to know before - you used to complain about your life.. A lot. Just saying. Winter Break is now here. We're getting better, right? Well, we're getting there. It's not going to be completely the same anymore.. But we're getting better. Well I'm still here, I never left. You're my #1 best friend. I'll just deal with being your #2.


Like fire and rain. You can drive me insane. But I can't stay mad at you for anything. We're Venus and Mars. We're like different stars. But you're the harmony to every song I sing. And I wouldn't change a thing.